BREAKING: The Colts Signed 44-Year-Old Philip Rivers… and the NFL Is Officially a Retirement Community

In what can only be described as the most “Colts thing ever,” Indianapolis has signed 44-year-old Philip Rivers to their practice squad. Yes, that Philip Rivers. The bolo-tie gunslinger. The man with roughly 37 children. The last quarterback alive who still says “dadgumit.”

And you know what this means…

Philip Rivers and Aaron Rodgers are BOTH in the NFL again.

Two future Hall of Famers. Two legends.Two guys who now qualify for AARP benefits.

The NFL: Come for the football, stay because your hip replacement is scheduled for next Thursday.

So instead of breaking down X’s and O’s (there aren’t any), let’s talk about—

⭐ Things Philip Rivers & Aaron Rodgers Can Do Together Now That They’re Back in the League

Because game prep? Practice film?Nah. These two kings have activities.

🔸 1. Bingo Night — Sponsored by Metamucil

Nothing bonds two aging quarterbacks like yelling “BINGO!” with the same passion they once yelled at referees.

Rivers will call bingo numbers with immense dad energy.Rodgers will accuse the bingo board of being rigged by Big Pharma.

🔸 2. Early-Bird Dinner at Country Kitchen Buffet

Dinner at 3:45 PM sharp.Unlimited rolls. Unsalted everything.

Rivers orders chicken-fried steak.Rodgers brings his own plant-based Himalayan moss wrap, blessed by a shaman.

They split a slice of pie — 100% platonically.

🔸 3. Taking Naps Like Champions

Football players take recovery seriously.These two? They nap so hard the Colts now list “Blanket Management” on their injury report.

Rodgers: 90-minute meditation nap.Rivers: 12-minute power nap fueled by dad rage and Catholic guilt.

🔸 4. Crochet Club

Rivers crochets baby booties for his next inevitable child.Rodgers crochets conspiracy diagrams.

Both are equally impressive.

🔸 5. Crossword Puzzles

Hard mode. In pen.

Clues include:

• “4-letter word for ‘ref who missed my pass interference call’” — Bum

• “Synonym for ‘team that signs quarterbacks older than fossils’” — Colts

• “Ancient artifact once used for offense by the Jets” — Playbook

⭐ And What About the On-Field Impact?

Oh, right — football.

Will Rivers play? Maybe.Will Rodgers stay healthy? Possibly.Will both of them ice their joints in a therapy tub hotter than your aunt’s holiday casserole? Absolutely.

Meanwhile, if you want to bet on whether Rivers throws a touchdown or throws out his back, Bovada has you covered.

And if the Colts signing a 44-year-old QB makes you feel like you need a hobby, hit up:

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— because spinning the reels is easier than watching Rivers run a bootleg at his age.