EXCLUSIVE: 2025-2026 NFL SCRIPT LEAKED

We all love the NFL, or at least feel some sort of way that resembles love. Still, there are a lot of lingering questions that we all share regarding the most popular sports league in America. Questions like, “Why don’t they use their abundant technology to referee the game remotely?” or “Why does Jerry Jones's face look like that?” or “Why did they make the sequel to Rudy about him carrying a ring to the cursed lands of Mordor with a walk-on named Frodo?”

Still, the most persistent question we all share is, “Just how rigged is it, exactly?” The answer is, a whole lot. While there is undoubtedly an exhibition unfolding pitting some of the world’s most gifted athletes against one another and the title of Oliver Stone’s best film is still true – anything can happen on “Any Given Sunday”. (Except for not forcing me to look at a few too many ding-dongs in your movie, Oliver. Apparently, that’s guaranteed to happen.)  

The truth is, the powers that be use all the tools at their disposal to force a certain outcome during all of our favorite games. Sadly, we do not know who is in control of the NFL as Roger Goodell is a cyborg controlled by an elitist cabal in order to maintain their anonymity. Seriously, are we meant to believe his middle name is really “Stokoe”? That’s a model number if we have ever heard it.

The good news is that we have exclusive access to the purported plans for the 2025-2026 NFL season in the form of a leaked script, which may or may not have been obtained after causing a distraction in the parking lot of the Dallas Cowboys’ practice facility yesterday. Without further ado, here are a few things you can look forward to and hopefully wager and walk away with some easy money.

Patrick Mahomes Gets Traded to the Raiders

The backroom deals behind this trade of the century are already in play. Vegas has a lot of money and they are in desperate need of a poster boy for the Raiders as they look to further create a monopoly on entertainment in Sin City. The owners of the Dallas Mavericks are already paying off GM’s in the NFL to make this trade happen so they will no longer be considered the biggest morons in sports trade history. We have it on good authority that Patrick Mahomes will be Vegas-bound in exchange for a bevy of draft picks, three bottles of Dawn dish soap, and a plea deal for Rashee Rice’s mother, who just cannot stop stealing packages from her neighbors’ porches.

The Buffalo Bills Hire an Official Team Shaman to Conduct Weather Dances

Buffalo may have just paid more than the USA will pay for the entire country of Greenland for a single player in Josh Allen, but it's no secret that their greatest weapon is the weather. (Specifically, global warming or whatever they call it now.) The Bills love a good blizzard, and away teams do not fare well when the snow falls in Buffalo. To further the edge, the team has decided to form a PAC to enlist the aid of Elizabeth Warren to wear a headdress and conduct traditional Cherokee Rain Dances before every home game. Coupled with favorable officiating for a change, the Bills will punch their ticket to next years Super Bowl which will be against the team formerly called the Redskins. Look for the Bills to win over the ‘Commanders’ thanks to the help of a real Native American in what will surely be a healing moment for all of America.

Grammy Award Winning Band Makes Shocking Comeback at Super Bowl Halftime Show

Just as interesting as the on-field competition is the world of entertainment that takes place at halftime of every game, but none is larger than the spectacle put on during Super Bowl Sunday. The entertainment has yet to be officially announced, but we have gleaned that a classic Grammy-winning band who have disappeared from the public eye will make their return to hype the release of a new album. None other than The Baha Men will take center stage at the next Super Bowl and expect them to be accompanied by former future hall-of-fame quarterback, Michael Vick who will join in for a chorus of ‘Who Let the Dogs Out?” Who, who, who.

So there you have it folks, the official plans for the upcoming NFL season. Leverage this information to place bets so long as you do not pay close attention to what the date is today.

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